Too Good To Not Share

(Sharkman over at Ace's Place put this in the comments, and I just had to pass it on. This could solve a metric shit-load of problems in one stroke...)

I wonder what an all out conflict with N. Korea would look like.

First, the Norks would destroy Seoul with a massive artillery bombardment from emplacements just over the border they've spent the last 50 years putting into place in hardened bunkers.

Second, about a million fairly well-trained, but very hungry Nork troops would pour over the border with about 3000 tanks, and annihilate our 37,500 troops who sit close to the border as a trip-wire.

Third, that million Nork troops would take a short break to feast on the corpses of our dead soldiers (they are very hungry, after all, and know their supply lines will soon be cut by US Air Force and Navy planes; plus, human flesh tastes a little better and is a bit more nutritious than the grass they've been eating for the last 10 years) before advancing South to proceed to annihilate the first South Korean Army they find.

Fourth, Barak Obama will be found curled under his desk sucking his thumb and cooing by Joe Biden, who will promptly piss and shit his pants and run to Nancy Pelosi's office for advice. San Fran Nan will panic and faint, so Ol' Joe will call Robert Byrd for authority to do something (he's on the succession list, you see). Byrd will mumble something about screwing "that black bitch who watches my chillin' after work today" and then stop talking as he drools all over himself. Ol' Joe will then call Hillary Clinton, who will be unavailable, because she only answers the phone at 3:00 a.m.

Panicking, Ol' Joe will then run to Tim Geithner's office (he's next, if you can fucking believe that) for help, whereupon Li'l Timmeh and Ol' Joe will decide the best way to figure out what to do will be to have a rock-paper-scissor competition. After 300 rounds of rock-paper-scissors, without a clear response being spelled out by that scientific method, Li'l Timmeh and Ol' Joe will make a conference call to Robert Gates, who will tell them: "I'll take it from here. You two fuckwits go back to your circle-jerk."

Gates will pull out a secret envelope containing George W. Bush's last, Ultra Super Duper Secret Executive Order, Number 99999, which gives W, under certain circumstances, the authority, even though he's no longer president, to order a counter-strike against enemies of America...

(...this Executive Order will later be held up as completely valid in a per curiam US Supreme Court decision, written by Antonin Scalia, the entire text of which will be: "W's action against North Korea was completely legal, given that the current administration is make up completely of half-wits, fuck-tards, shits-for-brain, and incompetents, and in the absence of anyone in the chain-of-command who possessed even a hamster's ability to make a difficult decision, somebody needed to do something intelligent, and quickly, in order to save South Korea.")

Fifth, Gates will then call W, who will assess the situation, and make the difficult, though later extremely popular, to exterminate the Nork Dick-tator's army once and for all. Gates will give the order to our military through proper channels.

Sixth, US Air Force planes flying from Japan, Guam, Okinawa, D. Gar, and Mainland US, combined with Naval Aircraft from the carrier battle groups we have in the Pacific and Indian Oceans will absolutely slaughter those million Nork troops, in about three hours of intense bombardment with pretty much everything in our arsenal.

Seventh, the Nork Dick-tator will finally be overthrown by the rest of his army, whereupon he will be dumped naked and unguarded through the streets of Pyongyang, where his long-abused citizenry will rip him into his component atoms with their bare hands.

Eighth, the United Nations will vote unanimously (with the US, South Korea, and Australia abstaining from the vote) to condemn the United States for its "imperialistic, hegemonic, evil actions against the North Korean people."

Ninth, Unicorn Futures will suffer a fatal crash in value.